nine

-9-
“Do you miss me, Ms. Misery?”

Sex breeds confidence. I’ll put that out there right now. And I had plenty of both things after the first month with Heather. I enjoyed it for two, maybe three months and loved being in a relationship. Yet part of me wanted to break free and live life as a single man who’d had sex. I suddenly had this confidence that the ladies picked up on. It’s funny how that works. Women never pay attention to the quiet guy, or very rarely they do, but as soon as that guy opens up and makes himself known, the girls are all over him. The only reason that guy is confident is because he now has a girlfriend. He’s the same person. Its common sense, I guess, but at that time it surely wasn’t. I found myself in quite the conundrum. It’s no wonder we are a cheating species. In many situations, the women are just as responsible as the men. I’m not saying it is right, but it happens.

I never cheated on Heather. I’m certainly not saying that I did. This being my first real relationship, I wouldn’t even know how to begin to get away with cheating. I wouldn’t have done it anyways, but believe me, the thoughts were there. After the first month, my mind started to drift elsewhere. More specifically, it focused on girls that weren’t Heather. She was a good girl, don’t get me wrong, and we certainly had fun together. Something was not clicking with us and it started to show in my desire to be with her.

Two months in, I carefully found ways to avoid her. It helped that I had turned 21 and was able to use the bar as a reason to get away from her. Other nights it would be because I was studying. By studying, I usually meant playing the Play station with Eric. Other nights I wouldn’t even lie. I would simply tell Heather that I was going to a party with Eric. I wouldn’t invite her, which led to some tension, but that would end as soon as I called her in two in the morning after I couldn’t find a new girl. This would repeat for most weekends. During the week, we’d hang out after classes, go to dinner once in awhile, and return to our separate residences. Sure, we’d fit in sex from time to time, but for the most part I spent my days thinking of the easiest ways to break up with her. Between the incessant amount of phone calls, including but not limited to right after all of my classes, and the general lack of breathing air, I felt I had no other options.

The dreaded day finally occurred about two weeks before Christmas. It wasn’t the most perfect of timing yet I felt it needed to be done. I couldn’t stand lying to myself anymore or lying to Heather, for that matter. The event happened one windy Tuesday after my class had just gotten out. Heather called me seconds after and this time I answered. I told her I would meet her at her dorm room and we’d hang out for a bit. She was relieved, seeing as how it had been close to a week since we had last hung out. My heart nearly broke right there, knowing full well that this could be the last time we’d be hanging out.

I got to her room and tossed my jacket on a chair. The room was nearly identical to the one I had last year, except the room was decorated with teenage girl stuff, and the smell of an intoxicating perfume filled the air. Her roommate was gone so we turned on the television and curled up on the bed. Heather instantly flipped it to TRL and I nearly gagged. Watching Carson Daly actually made me feel stupider with each passing minute that he spoke. Luckily, Heather turned down the sound a bit so that was a minor relief. That moment was short lived as she began to kiss me. Not exactly the easiest way to lead into a break up so I went along. I would kiss back for a few seconds and then turn my attention back to Carson Daly. We would watch TV. for a few minutes before she’d start into her routine again and I would follow suit with mine.

“What’s wrong,” she asked.

“Nothing,” I would respond. The answer always made me sound like a lazy robot.

It was a good two hours of this before I finally found the courage to proceed with my original intention. I flipped off the television and grabbed Heather by the hand. It started off slow at first. I asked her how she felt about the relationship and as expected, she said she enjoyed it. She loved spending time with me, you know, all that bull crap, and I said the same to her. In proceeding with my master plan, I told Heather that I couldn’t continue to lead her on, though. I felt that I was too busy to fully concentrate on her and that she deserved better. She of course agreed, saying that we could make it work. I persisted by telling her that she deserved to be out there having fun, not waiting around for me on weekends. She did agree with that, which stung a little, but she promised me to be better about giving me my space. I did not relent on any of this, even though it would have put me in a nearly perfect relationship on my behalf. In the end, the break up still occurred. The flood gates opened from her eyes. I held her in my arms and waited for the tears to top streaming before I left. When I did, I kissed her on the forehead and promised I’d call her soon. I smiled at her and left her behind, presumably forever.

After the break up, I dove full on into my December funk. I was not as happy and carefree as I had planned. The cold rains from November had now turned to snow and the days seemed longer than ever before. I took to finishing off a bottle of Southern Comfort every night and washed it down with six or seven Tylenol P.M. Losing Heather had been tougher than I thought it would be and part of me had wanted her back. After all of my complaining about not having someone, I went and ended it with this great girl. I guess it was mostly loneliness I felt and had just wanted someone to lay next to on the cold December nights. I spent the first week after the break up drinking and also failing finals. Okay, not failing, but bombing the tests just enough to lower my grades to B’s. The next week, Christmas vacation started. I attended a few parties, flirted with a girl named Sarah, and then retreated to my room alone. I’d stare at the wall and let the Catholic guilt wash over me. I could only imagine the pain I would have felt had Heather been the one to break up with me.

I went home to my parents on Christmas Eve and returned to my roommates on the morning of New Years Eve. Christopher was off doing things with Laura when I got in, while Eric was already drinking while playing video games on the couch. I sat my stuff down and the usual banter was exchanged. “How was your trip?”

“Eh. Drunk again?”

“All week,” Eric responded.

As I grabbed a beer from the case and sat down, I asked, “What’s the plan for tonight?”

“Travis is having a party. We are going to celebrate the millennium in style,” replied Eric as he gulped down his beer. “And yes, Sarah will be there, so tonight is your night.”

“Eh,” I said as I opened my beer and took a drink. It had been a week since I had a drink and the barley was a sweet relief.

“No man, she told her best friend who told Travis’ girlfriend that she liked you. You’re so money and you don’t even know it.”

Swingers reference aside, that bit of news made me happy. At least on the surface it did. I’ve never been good at talking to girls and if I found out they like me, I usually overcompensated and made a fool of myself. The girl would end up annoyed with me and then easily move on to making out with the first guy that she saw.

Putting on the cloak of remaining confidence I had left over from Heather, I went to the party. It wasn’t a huge gathering, about fifteen to twenty people, but it was all people I’d met once or twice, save for Eric and Sarah. There was booze aplenty, which made the night that much more enticing. Pool was going on in one room and music blasted loudly in another. I spent a good part of my night getting to know Sarah. In fact, I blame her for me picking up my first cigarette and leading to my eventual addiction. She was an avid chain smoker and by my fifth rum and coke, I was joining her in the smoke breaks. All and all, I didn’t make an ass out of myself. I even found myself bumping and grinding with her on the makeshift dance floor as we approached the New Year. Even as I made an ass out of myself on the dance floor, Sarah seemed to enjoy me, so I stuck to my game.

Nearing midnight, the group moved outside. Eric had told us all to meet him there, so we eagerly listened to his instructions. He had spent the last hour making out with a friend of Sarah’s so part of me expected him to put on a sex show of sorts. You can imagine my relief when I saw her standing alone on the patio, looking to the roof. My bottle of champagne in hand and Sarah in tow, I looked to the roof as well.

Eric was up there; he too with his bottle of champagne. The crowd had gathered as planned and Eric motioned for the people to move closer. “Travis, how time we got buddy?”

Travis, a confident man and the same age as us, looked at his watch and yelled up to Eric. “A little over a minute, my friend.”

“Give me a countdown from ten,” Eric replied with a boyish grin.

The next minute seemed like an eternity. I stood there with Sarah in front of me. My arms were wrapped around her and I even snuck in a few kisses during the wait. Our last kiss was interrupted with the booming voice of Travis. “Ten, nine, eight…”

So it went. The crowd joined in and let out an upbeat “Happy New Year” at midnight. Before the couples kissed, all eyes turned to Eric at the same time. He popped open his champagne and screamed to the heavens, “Happy New Year mother fuckers!”

The Baron loved the attention and we all echoed his sentiment in a unified chorus. The man liked the spotlight and we enjoyed him even more because of it. As he took a step forward to join his friends, Eric slipped on the frozen roof and nearly came sliding off. Luckily, he grabbed the top of the slanted roof just in time and was able to hang on. After a minute of screaming that he was okay, Eric was finally able to pull himself back to his feet.

As I watched Eric struggle to regain his footing, Sarah leaned up on her tip toes and kissed me. I closed my eyes and let the new wave of emotions flow over me. As I heard fireworks go off in the distance, I was relieved. Relieved that world hadn’t ended, relieved that The Baron hadn’t fallen to his death, and relieved that Sarah was kissing me like there was no tomorrow. The cycle of love had begun yet again.